By Nick Cafferky, sports special sections editor

 At the mature age of 21, I stand at an intersection of my life as to what Christmas means to me. The magical feeling of Santa Claus’ arrival on Christmas Eve is no longer there, but I’ve seen “A Christmas Carol” way too many times to voluntarily become Ebenezer Scrooge.

But just when I was giving up on the idea that Dec. 25 would be special, I thought of the perfect gift — one that would make me feel giddy like a 10 year-old-boy again: the end of coach speak.

For those of you that aren’t familiar with the term, coach speak is the unique language coaches use when talking to the media that allows them to talk for minutes, but not actually say anything useful. It is a way of stringing sports clichés together, so you don’t have to say anything worthwhile to the media and to keep all real emotions in the locker room.

Frank Beamer is the king of coach speak and is qualified to teach a lecture on the subject. Listen to the press conference following the 2010 loss to James Madison and you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Without further ado, here is a list of phrases I would like stricken from the vocabulary of every coach and analyst covering sports. If someone grants me this wish, feel free to donate all of my gifts to Africa.

“You have to give ____________ a lot of credit.”

No, I don’t. As the great Herman Edwards once said, “You play to win the game! Hello?!” In sports, all people care about is wins and losses. We give people credit when they win by talking about them and forget them when they’re losing. If a player has great numbers on a bad team, that is what statistics are used for.  Furthermore, what do these people even mean when the want us to do to give someone “credit”? Acknowledge his/her performance? If it was that impressive, I would have noticed myself thank you very much. I don’t need anyone to force the idea on me.

 

“The refereeing …”

This one is more for fans than coaches (coaches rarely talk about this because they prefer not to be fined), but please don’t blame the refereeing for a loss. Even on a last second call that affects the score of the game, it isn’t the refereeing. That last-second call might not have gone your way, but I bet the exact same thing happened in the first quarter in your favor. Just because the one that “screwed” your team was a last second call, it doesn’t mean its impact was greater, it just happened at a more climactic point of the game. Over the course of a game, or the entire season, human error balances itself out. Fans just don’t want to believe it.

 

“They played a great game.”/ “They are a good team.”

When Tech lost to JMU in 2010, I think Beamer used these, and different variations of the two, about 20 times in a ten minute press conference. Everyone knew he had to be lying. I mean, it was after the most embarrassing loss in the program’s history and he was sitting there acting like the Hokies lost to elite competition. Just once, I would like to be in a press conference where the coach flat out said, “Wow, I’m embarrassed. That team we lost to is nowhere near as good as we are and if you excuse me, there are a couple players on my team that I need to yell at until they cry.”

“Take it one game at a time.”

I understand this one in theory, but it still is a horrible way to answer a question. If the reporter asks, “you’ll have to win your next three to win the division, what will you have to do?” he wants you to give him a generalized synopsis of what you think the team needs to improve on. I understand that coaches can’t think too far ahead because they have to focus on that particular week’s game plan, but that isn’t what the reporter was asking about. And of you happen to be 4-6 and a reporter asks about the playoffs, feel free to follow after Jim Mora and give us a rant we can talk about for decades.

 

“They have the same number of scholarship athletes we do.”

This one should be called “The Seth Greenberg” because I think I’ve heard him say it a dozen times. Whenever Tech plays bad team and a reporter asks Greenberg about the quality of the opponents, he is quick to point out that all teams have 13 scholarships, as if that somehow makes the quality of athletes UNC gets equal to that of St. Bonaventure. Not all teams are equal, and no one should try to spin it that way. There are teams on everybody’s schedules that are inferior and they are there to provide some competition in the down time before conference games. Can those teams catch you by surprise? Yes. But it isn’t because it has the same number of scholarship athletes, it’s because you had a bad day and a basketball game is only 40 minutes long.

“I don’t think the BCS is the problem”

Yes it is. Please stop talking.

Follow Nick on Twitter @NickCaffCT